You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
