My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
