if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
