Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
