I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
