I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
