You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I could fuck to npr.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
