He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
