i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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