i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just want to make out with him forever
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
