Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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