non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
