i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
