Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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