Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
