I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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