when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
