I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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