That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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