so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
