our cab driver is having phone sex.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
