wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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