Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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