yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
