i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
