I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
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