I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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