He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
