apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
3 2 1 whiskey
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
