listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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