I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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