We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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