I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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