If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
