and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
