i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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