he puts the penis in happiness.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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