You surviving the open bar?
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So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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