So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
