I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
