My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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