my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
there is puke in my bra ... again
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
