Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
ugly people sure do ruin things
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
