Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
This is classic penis vs brain.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
