Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
