You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
false alarm, still single
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
