Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
