No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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