My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
