I can text with my tongue
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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