I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
