nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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