Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i will never coherently bang her
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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